The guilt

 

The past couple of weeks I’ve been having pains. I mentioned it to my oncologist last week and he wanted to check in again this week. Yesterday when we checked in we decided together that it would be a good idea to run a scan. Better safe-because of my symptoms the bar to run scans is fairly low. 

I was more  nervous today going into the scans. And honestly I couldn’t tell you why.  Everything turned out stable.  Stable is a word I didnt know could hold so much meaning. Stable is good. No decrease in size but also no increase.  Stable is what we like to see.

I was happy to get the news but i also had a sense of guilt.  The extra work that my doctor had to do to schedule it, the worry that I put my family through only to find out that it’s nothing.  I mentioned it to Dr P yesterday who said it wasnt my job to have guilt over not feeling right.  It was my job to tell him if I wasn’t feeling right, or felt off or concerned.  It’s his job to order the scans and find out what is going on.  We still don’t know why I am having the pains when I breathe deep.  There’s a couple of theories.  Previously it’s been because of my collapsed lung (I’ve been working with only a lung and a half for who knows how long). It could be the virus that I had back in December.  Either way I see the pulmonologist tomorrow to get a better idea.  

This week I officially met a new friend.  We have been talking online for a couple of weeks and tried to schedule something but something always seemed to come up.  Yesterday we met up for the first time and had a great conversation.  It was so nice to meet someone that is going through the same thing that I am.  That understands the struggles and excitement of the medication.  We laughed, joked and commiserated.  As crappy as this whole thing is and I would never wish it upon anyone, I am thankful that I have met someone that understands what I am going through first hand.  

This journey has allowed me to meet new people but also reconnect with old friends.  I heard from and old friend this week as well.  I was excited to hear from her, and can’t wait to grab a coffee!!!