Feelings

 

I started writing a blog earlier tonight about nothing in particular.  But between 8:00 and 9:00 something changed. My mood, my outlook, how I am feeling.  I was laying next to Bryan trying to hold it in. I told him I wasn’t feeling myself.  I was having a tough time. But before we could talk Trent came down bc he couldn’t sleep. I took the opportunity to lay with him and rub his back. 

as I am holding in my tears so I don’t wake him i have feelings of being selfish.  I have a house-with heat and ac so we are never uncomfortable, a full belly, a job, a supportive circle. Why do I feel this way?  I’m lucky with all things I have. I feel incredibly selfish for being mad at my diagnosis. I feel selfish for crying over things that haven’t happened yet. I know I am lucky-there are others who were diagnosed and the outlook a month later wasn’t positive. I am lucky that I haven’t progressed or that I can still live the way I know.  Why do I feel this way?  Why am I mad, upset, sad, annoyed?  

I feel selfish for complaining I don’t feel good.  There are people that are far worse than I am.  There are people that woke up this morning thinking it was just a normal day and had their life turned upside down. Heard news they will never be able to forget, news that changed their lives. 

I feel selfish that I get upset with the medical bills, having them means I am able to receive the care I need.  Getting them reminds me that I am lucky I have doctors that can treat me. 

I feel selfish when I get upset with the kids and just need a minute.  That there are times I feel like I have sensory overload with the word mom, where is this, what happened too, can I do this, what’s next, what day is, or constantly having someone touch me. The constant need to be so close, or be in the same room as me. The kids are going through their own set of emotions with all this. They see a mom that can’t do the things I used and are sad by that. They haven’t learned to express their feelings fully yet.  I know i am lucky to have two incredible healthy and caring boys.  Two boys that are healthy, that only go to the doctors once maybe twice a year. Two boys that can run, hear, see things, that can and will have their independence.  Why do I feel this way?  I feel selfish that there are days I just need a break. There are parents that never get that break. There are parents that aren’t as lucky as we are. 

I feel selfish and mad at myself because I have friends that I thought would be there, friends that I thought would check in on me, and I push away the ones that do. I had what I thought was a core group of friends.  Why should I let anyone get close?  I’m just going to hurt them or let myself get hurt.  I know I need to be better about keeping in touch texting etc. But it’s hard to move past when I can’t figure out how to make friends or what my expectations should be of a friend. I tend to give and give and it isn’t always returned.  I get hurt by little things, I wear my heart in my sleeve.  But I dont have a right to feel these things if I am not following through either. The world didn’t and doesn’t stop because I have cancer, what I thought would bring some friends closer pushed them apart and I didn’t know how to stop the pushing. I protected myself the best I could and let it happen. And now I wonder how do I make mom friends.

There are feelings I feel I can’t let go of. The way I feel everytime I look in the mirror.  The way I feel every month when I step on the scale at the doctors office (so much so that I step backwards now). I can’t look at the number because I am so disgusted by myself. How could I let myself gain this much weight. How could I let myself go this much?  I can’t even walk upstairs without my heart rate sky rocketing. Heck I can’t even walk to the copier at work without my heart rate being over 120.  How did I get this way?  Why did I get this way?  Will I ever feel like myself again?  Will I stop obsessing over the number of the way I look, or the rash I can’t control. I look back at wedding pictures and I liked the way I looked. I thought I was pretty. I was skinny, my complexion was clear, my hair was full.  I haven’t learned or found clothes that I am comfortable in. That I don’t feel like I am looking like a beached whale. And I might never. I don’t buy clothes for myself often-money is tight-the kids needs are first. 

I feel guilty when I get my hair done or do something for myself. My family has and is helping so much with things why should I do something for myself if I need them to help.  So I’m growing my hair out, embracing my 

Most importantly I feel selfish when I think this isn’t fair. Or why me, why my family?  What did I do?  Because surely I must have done something or pissed someone off. I’ve been through a lot in my 42 years. I lost my dad at a young age, in Fact it seems like from 16 to my 20’s I lost someone every year. My dad, my grandfather, my grandmothers, college professors I looked up too, my godmother.  I’ve  had six shoulder surgeries because I was the second youngest reported case of my condition, I had two babies and lost one early on in my pregnancy. I’ve suffered from depression since I was 16, which heightened after I had the boys. I’ve fought and overcome all of these so why me?  Why am I the one that is diagnosed with lung cancer when I have never smoked.  But then I think this isn’t something anyone should have to go through. It doesn’t matter who you are. But I have fought through a lot so what’s one more fight?  Days (or nights) like tonight I don’t think I am strong enough.  But tomorrow is a new day.  Tomorrow I will say goodbye to the boys and Bryan before work and remember this is my why. This is why I fight. And my feelings of being selfish tonight are okay. The feelings I am feeling need to be felt at times. But they can’t outweigh my feelings of gratefulness, gratitud, content, happiness.