Staying positive

 

Staying positive day after day can be hard. Spending three hours at the doctors to be told you need to come back the next day is hard. Having a scan scheduled for three weeks out, then a week out and now less than 24 hours away is hard. 

Emailing your doctor because your husband is worried about your back pain and cough is hard.  Because who wants to admit that there might be something wrong? 

Not knowing what is going on in your body is hard.  It’s hard to have aches, pains, coughs, shortness of breath, headaches and not have any idea what is going on.  Is it something?  Is it nothing?  Am I being proactive or reactive?  Am I wasting everyone’s time and resources?  

It’s easy to say stay positive or be positive everything will be okay.  But will it?  Will I ever go a three months without needing a scan?  (Spoiler alert I’ve been told I won’t). It’s easy to say not to worry…but how can I not?  Let’s circle back to the facts…only 7%-21% of lung cancer patients make that 5 year mark. Since my diagnosis I am coming up to two years.  From when my spot was first seen-I’ve passed 2 years. 

  15 months is the average on Tagrisso (my targeted medication). I’m coming up on two years.  I had progression in April/May-15 months after I started the medication. 

Feeling like you don’t belong and haven’t found your people is hard (well really it’s easy to feel like this but it’s so hard not to feel like this!) Not thinking that people are judging you is so hard.  Seeing people you used to talk with regularly and hung out with and just exchanging a quick hi how are you is hard.  

Wondering if people don’t reach out anymore because you’re sick or is it because you are exhausted and forget to text back. 

Asking for help from those friends is hard.  opening up to people and telling them you are scared is hard.  Why because the response can be anything from I get it too it’s not that big of a deal to you've got this.  And at times when you don’t get a comforting response not screaming at the top of your lungs that it wasn’t helpful is hard.  

Being a mom, wife, full time worker, keeping a house maintained, is so hard.  Add in a stage iv cancer diagnosis and it seems impossible.  

Knowing that whatever the outcome of this week and next week and next year that you will be okay Can be hard. Knowing that my family will always be there to make sure that I am okay is easy.  Sometimes not saying anything in response and just listening. Or saying I’m here for you. I’m here if you need to talk.   Or just a hi I’m thinking of you.  Or here’s a bottle of wine and your favorite candy or are you going to be home at 6:00 dinner is on its way is the best response.  

So to all my friends fighting the fight tonight/this weekend-I’m here if you need to talk.  I’m here if you need to complain.  I’m here if you need to scream how shitty things are right now.  I’m not in your shoes I don’t know your fight first hand but it’s shitty fighting anything and crappier  fighting it alone! 

To my friends that have randomly checked in on me. That continue to understand my lack of response to texts at times continue to give me a big hug when they see me-thank you!  Thank you for being my cheerleader when you are fighting your own fights.