I didn't realize it has been almost two weeks since I last posted. The holidays definitely took a toll on me and my moods. I am not going to lie I struggled. I know I should be incredibly thankful that I am spending another holiday with my kids and family but a part of me then wonders if this will be the last holiday. Add on my cancerversary just two weeks into the new year I start to stress.
It has been two years since I was first diagnosed. Two full years. Two years that feels like two weeks or 200 years. How is it possible that it can seem so quick yet so long.
I go for a scan tomorrow morning. I am mildly freaking out. I have been on the same treatment for two years with success. But how much longer is it going to last? How much longer will I be lucky? My headaches have been in full force lately. This weekend I had an ocular migraine. It was the first one I've ever had. I had a kaleidoscope around blurry vision. I think that it would freak out the healthiest of everyone. It completely freaked me out. I have brain mets. I have cancer in my brain!!! I used to laugh and joke with Bryan when I got a headache. Remember Kindergarten cop...
“- Kimble: I have a headache.
- Lowell: It might be a tumor.
- Kimble: It's not a tumor! It's not a tumor. At all!”
Yea this would be the conversation I had with Bryan. It doesn't seem funny anymore. We don't joke about it. Now when I get a headache I ask him if he thinks that I could have progression. Should I call the doctor should I be worried. The answer is always the same. Yes I should call the doctor, no I shouldn't be worried and no he doesn't think I have progression, but the look on his face tells a different story. The look on his face tells me he is worried. The constant asking if my head is better or if my vision is back to normal tells me differently.
One thing that has come up a lot on the Facebook groups that I am on is the "hidden" costs of cancer. Did you know that the average lung cancer patient spends 54 days a year in direct contact with treatment? So 54 days out of the year I am at the doctor, hospital, waiting, at the pharmacy, etc. That's a lot of days. But that doesn't take into account the cost of gas to appointments, parking, the medications to help with the rash, the increase in costs for the lotions, creams, and shampoo (because I have sensitive skin now). The protein shakes because most days that's what I can stomach in the morning. The therapy for the kids (that's right folks I finally found a therapist for the kids!!!). My therapy costs and the weeks that I am struggling I increase my therapy to help me get through the week. Everything adds up. Everything about this horrible disease sucks.
If you know me, you know that I don't like surprises and I like to plan. But with this I can't plan, there are constantly surprises.
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