TGIF!

 

It’s been a tough week all around. Work is getting crazy busy with open enrollment (if your reading this and have Medicare remember to check your part d plans!-now is the time you can change them).  

I went for my second opinion. She agrees that it is best to wait for progression before starting chemo.  I am not a candidate to have the tumor removed, and I am not candidate for most trials (although many medications from trials are available). It’s discouraging to hear this-I’ve heard it before but it is still discouraging to hear it over again. I feel like I am in a constant state of waiting and not knowing. I know I should be happy that I am not doing chemo (and I am and I feel lucky) but there is a strange feeling that I can’t explain. A feeling that I don’t know when the other shoe is going to drop.  Which seems to be dropping a lot lately. An unexpected dentist appointment and what could be poison ivy again feels like a lot. 

I had my conference last week-I went to a lot of great presentations. And learned a ton. i picked up alot of resources not only for work but for myself. One that I know I need to get going on is my end of life decisions. It’s not something I am going to decide overnight or complete overnight but I need to attempt to work on it. So as I sit in the car for the next hour while Trent is at baseball practice I will start chipping away at it. Decisions I never thought I would need to make at the age of 42.  Ive thought about this in the past (I mean why wouldn’t I in the field I am in).  But then it didn’t seem real.  I know a weird statement. Why wouldn’t it feel real before?  I guess I always thought I would age and pass from old age. Never thought I wouldn’t get old. I know I know medicine is always changing who knows how old I will be. I could live with this for another 40 years. I always thought I was strong. I always thought I could get through anything.  Most days I put on a smile and tell people I am doing good. Some days it’s just too hard.  Tomorrow will better. Tomorrow I will put the smile back on and act like everything is normal and good.