End of the year

 

I’ve been wanting to post for a while now but I honestly struggle with starting or what to say. Which is why a lot of the time my posts seem all over the place…

I am so incredibly thankful to be able to spend Christmas with my boys. I can not thank Tough Princess Warriors (a local organization that helps women facing all kinds of cancer diagnosis) for their generosity!  Everything and more that my boys had put on their list was under the tree for them!  The week before Christmas Baelor came up to me and told me that he asked his elf to ask Santa to get rid of my cancer.  My heart immediately broke knowing that this is what he was thinking. He didn’t mention it again and never said anything on Christmas. 

Christmas was a low key day. We stayed home, I napped the kids built their new legos and played with their new toys. My mom and sister came over in the afternoon and the boys opened up another round of presents. 

Bryan and I made the tough decision to switch rooms around. The stairs in our house are getting to be a little too much for me. Our bathroom is on the first floor and it makes sense to have us on the first floor as well.  We have purged, sorted, organized and planned. Everyone spent the first night in their “new rooms” Wednesday night. And seemed to enjoy their new spaces. We are still trying to organize and finish putting away toys. The biggest thing has been losing the toy room. 

Changing rooms although trivial has been a huge struggle for me. When Bryan and I bought the house our intent was that we could age in place. There are four bedrooms two downstairs, two up.  I honestly never thought that we would need to move our bedroom bc I couldn’t do the stairs at the age of 42.  I figured we would move the bedrooms around when the kids were teenagers and no longer wanted to share a room. 

This past month I have felt like I haven’t had any control over anything. And changing rooms was just another thing I didn’t have control over. Sure I have control of where the new bed goes and that sort of things but in terms of control over when the move happened I didn’t. My doctors appointments, my scans, the medications I put in my body, the weight I gain, the weight I lose, the headaches, the dry skin, the brittle nails, the list goes on. 

The reality is I have been struggling-when I was finally feeling better and realized what was going on my first thoughts were did I have my last good weekend with my boys?  I can’t seem to get this thought out of my mind.  I struggle with that thought of what if this is my last…my last Christmas with them, my last good weekend (you get the picture). Deep down I know that nobody knows when our lasts will be.  I get angry that one day it will be my last ”good day” and that day will come far too soon!  I hope that we have made memories that will last them a lifetime, stories that will make them laugh when they retell them to their friends; manners, morals and ethics that will take them far in their lives and careers, the ability to speak up for themselves and others around them. I know that Bryan will continue to guide them, teach them and help them in life; deep down I know they will be okay. But as a mom you never stop worrying. 

As I get ready for 2024 i want to make more memories with Bryan and the boys, I want to yell less and laugh more. I want to say yes more often and not hold on or in a minute.  I want to learn from my

boys. I want to share my story more-bring awareness to others that if you have lungs you too can get lung cancer. With my story I want to help raise funds for research. It’s important to me that my family doesn’t face this again. And that if they do there is a treatment and a cure. Not just a treatment. 

I hope everyone had a magical Christmas!  Be safe on New Years Eve!  I read something this week-at the start of a new year get a jar-every week write something good that has happened. At the end of the year reread all the good things. I think we will be trying this!