I never knew I could go through so many emotions on one day. My cancer-versary is coming up this weekend. The day I first found out I had something more than a chronic migraine. The day that I learned my life would change forever. On Friday January 13th, 2023 I learned I had mets to my brain. The official diagnosis would come on Monday January 16th, 2023.
Back to the emotions....lol. I am so proud of what I have made it through this year. I am proud of the times I have asked for help, proud of the times I have put my health (mental and physical) first. I am proud of the times I advocated for myself. Proud of the medical terminology I have learned. Proud of the people I have been able to help my sharing my story and experiences.
I am angry. So angry. I can’t even describe my anger. I am angry that I even heard the words terminal lung cancer. I am angry at the things I might miss out on. I am angry there is no cure yet. I am angry that this is our new norm. I get infuriated when I see people smoking knowing what might happen to them. Do they not realize? I’m angry at our health care system~how can one have good insurance yet still have so many medical bills?
Im sad at the things I feel I have lost. At times it’s my sense of purpose…I’m sad about the things that I might miss out. I’m sad thinking that I might leave my husband, kids and family one day. That day might be sooner than any of us want or are ready for. I’m sad that I am forced to find resources, make contacts, see doctors every month and take medication that comes with a warning.
Im happy…I’ve met so many incredible people. Some I have not met in person but have supported me through words and actions. I’m happy with the inspiration they have given me everyday to continue to fight. I am happy that I have “the good type of lung cancer”.
Im thankful…thankful for my husband…I have cried, yelled and laughed all at the same time. He has held me and told me that we will get through this. He has reminded me that I am not alone in this evil disease. He has seen me at my best and at my worst the last year. He has put up with my odd requests (I went through a morbid period and wanted to talk about all my requests for after I left). I am thankful for my family who has been there every step of the way. My mom and my sisters have made sure I haven’t had to go to an appointment alone. I havent had to face any of this alone. I haven’t had to make any decisions alone. I am thankful for my friends. I could barely take care of myself the first month~they stepped in and made sure we had a warm meal every night. I am thankful for my neighbors who like my friends saw a need and took care of it. My neighbors that have become friends….I am thankful for the schools our children have and are attending. They have wrapped our children in love and support. The kids friends parents who have done the same. I never have to worry about how they are handling things. I am thankful for my work family. When I was offered the job two years ago I knew I was working with a special group. They have checked in on me when I didn’t know I needed checking in on. I am thankful for all of the organizations I have met. Tough warrior princess an i redouble organization that has supported my family and me. Love not lost who captured memories for my family.
I am hopeful that every time I go in for a scan I won’t have progression. Hopeful that I can educate others (you only need lungs to get lung cancer!). I am hopeful that I will walk into the doctors one day soon and will be told they have a cure rather then just a treatment. I’m hopeful I will see my kids grow up, graduate high school.
As I come up to my 1 year cancerversary I’ll celebrate me. I’ll celebrate my little accomplishments (some days it’s getting out of my pjs). I’ll celebrate my doctors, my tagrisso, my scans that haven’t showed progression.
I might be a little sad, or a lot angry but I won’t let those emotions outlast my happy and thankful emotions. It’s okay to mourn my hopes and dreams for the future, but it’s also okay to have new hopes and dreams. It’s okay to mourn what once was. But I know that this isn’t my ending.
My cancer is just one chapter in my story of life.
It’s not a journey I asked for or planned. But I am choosing to hate it, fight it and kick its a$$!!!!
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