Wonder....

 

Do you ever wonder how you ended up where you did?  I have a med box that I fill up every weekend so that I remember to take my meds.  A little over a year ago there were two meds plus my vitamins in my med box.  Last week I had 15 pills plus my vitamins. How did I get to this point?  

Before I broke my foot (and minus my broken foot) I had three doctors' appointments a year.  Obviously, if I was sick, I would go in but on a regular basis I saw my neurologist twice a year and my pcp once a year.  Just this week I have three appointments and another two next week.... how did I get to this point?

Two years ago, I was helping coach t-ball and coach pitch.  This year I can barely walk from my car to the doctors' appointments without having to rest.  I wonder how I got to this point.  

How did I not recognize my symptoms as something that needed to be looked at.  Could I have caught my cancer at an earlier stage if I had taken my symptoms seriously?  Could I have had surgery to remove that part of my lung to stop the cancer if I had caught it earlier?  

I wonder if I will ever stop counting my life in months.  Currently I am at three month intervals for scans.  Every three months I go in for a MRI and a PET Scan.  Every three months I hope that I hear (or read) the words stable.  Every three months I am that much closer to seeing my kids make the next milestone that I so badly want to be a part of.  I wonder if I will stop being ultra focused on three month intervals. 

I wonder if the ache or pain I have is the cancer spreading.  A year ago it never even crossed my mind that I might have cancer.  I went in for a routine MRI of my brain not expecting anything to be found.  I went in for the follow up CT Scan and expected that it was breast or ovarian cancer.  

I wonder if I will ever get used to filling out the health forms at doctors and circling that I have cancer.  Or explaining that no I’m not doing chemo or radiation but yes I am in treatment. 

I wonder if I will ever get used to seeing someone I haven’t seen in months and having them tell me that I look good without wondering what I should look like. Because although you can’t see my lung cancer from the outside the effects it is taking on my body don’t make me feel good. 

I wonder if I ever won’t get mad when I see someone smoking and question why it was me that got lung cancer and not them. I am trying not too judge people and their life choices-I don’t want people to judge me when I tell them about my diagnosis.