One thing I struggle with is how to answer how I am doing. The past week I have had a couple of people come in and ask how I am doing. I give them my usual answer, I’m good just tired. Things could be worse.
What I really want to say is this sucks, I struggle every day knowing that I am a year into a terminal disease. The mental load it has taken on me is drowning. The financial aspect it has taken on my family is disgusting. The innocence that it has taken from my kids is heart breaking. The physical toll it has taken on me isnt noticeable to many but I see it. The stress it has taken on me is undeniable. I worry constantly about so many things. Things I never worried about before.
Why am I lightheaded? Why does my jaw and ear hurt? Is my cancer spreading? It can’t be right-it wouldn’t happen that quick.
Will my boys be okay if anything happens to me? I know overtime they will be. But I am the one they come too when they are upset and I won’t always be here for them. Bryan will be here and he will do a great job. Our parents will help out, our sisters will help the kids will be okay. Right? This will only make them stronger. What about my mom and sisters and Paul? My nephews, inlaws, close friends (I know everyone will be okay-I know the world doesn’t revolve around me but I worry about those around me) there are so many that I worry about. I saw how my grandmother was when my dad passed away. I know my mom is a strong women. she has been through so much and still is standing and smiling. But I worry about her. I know my sisters will be there for her. But what about them.
I worry about the time I need to take off from work. And what happens when I run out of time. I haven’t taken a vacation day to go on vacation in years. I think the last time we went someplace as a family was Phili when Baelor was a baby (Covid hit, I broke a foot, changed jobs and then cancer happened) and Bryan had a work conference. Do I want to go on vacation and enjoy these times with the kids. Of course-but I worry about the financial impact of a trip, I worry about needing that vacation time because I am sick.
I worry about my health and being able to do things. I worry that I am not present enough for my kids. Because honestly I struggled this weekend to get off the couch.
I worry that when I do go out to events with the kids that people judge me. I don’t look like I have terminal cancer. I worry that my friends are tired of hearing me tell my story. Tired of seeing me depressed. Tired of me reaching out to vent. We all have it hard now a days. Life isn’t easy. Why is my hard any different from their hard? It’s not. We don’t see the struggles others are going through.
I know when people ask they don’t want to hear all this. Most are asking to be polite some really want to know but at the same time if I complain I feel like I look ungrateful for things I have been given. I know things could be worse. I know i can climb out of this mole hole and there will be better days. But for right now I don’t know how to answer. I don’t know how to be truthful without breaking down in tears. So I save those tears for Bryan or the car rides that I am alone.
Yes I see a counselor. Yes I talk about all these things. No I’m not writing this to make anyone feel uncomfortable. Yes I want people to be aware of all things cancer related. I see more and more struggling with how to answer this. I know for me when I ask people now I take time to really hear them out. Do I struggle to post some of these things on my blog? Yes I do. I struggle with what people with think. I struggle with how people will react. I’m still the same person I was in December of 2022. I still like to talk about my kids and my family. I still like to talk about the Red Sox (although we gave up cable so I am not on top of my game as I once was). Cancer isn’t my whole life (although at times it feels like it is) I’d rather people ask if I’m enjoying the weather, or baseball season. Don’t ask about my boys if you want a quick convo lol. Ask me what’s going on in life.
On a happier note I had a dream last night that someone had an extra NKOTB concert ticket with a meet and greet. They heard my story and gifted it to me. i was front row for the concert and got pictures with NKOTB. i didn’t stop smiling for weeks. I knew how to answer how are you because I had the time of my life and forgot about being terminally ill.
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