Do you ever feel like you aren’t enough? Enough of a mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister, cleaner, cook... That’s where I am at today. I am not sure that my kids have had a real meal in over a week (we have had a game every night/day since April 30th). Showers are based on who had baseball/gym that day. Yesterday both boys had a game. I went to Baelors because he would finish first. but then he wanted to play on the playground. My initial thought was how exhausted I am and needed to get to Trent’s game. I slowed down for a second and remembered how many of Trent's games that Baelor has been too. Bryan was at the game and it would be okay if Baelor and I missed one. Baelor had a great time at the playground with his new friends and Trent was okay that I didn’t make it.
This has been hard for me to accept. It’s hard for me to accept that the laundry is okay to not be folded immediately or put away while I am folding. It is okay to catch up with things on the weekend.
I feel at times I am not as good of a friend as I could be. I think of my friends often. I know I need to text them to check in. But then I get a call at work, or I’m driving or it’s the middle of the night. And it’s all down hill. They text me and I read it but I forget to respond. A week later I realize I never did and then feel guilty. My days are filled with work, running around, napping, and catching up...constantly catching up.
We all know how much I love cooking and cleaning. But I used to feed everyone a somewhat healthy meal several times a week. Now it tends to be a free for all. Cereal for dinner…sure we need to be at the ballpark in 15 mins. Chips for lunch…sure your brother has a double header today. How many pieces of candy have you had…only one have another your outside all day you’ll run off the energy. They are getting veggies in-i grab a container for my dinner and the kids eat the carrots and celery. Currently I have three loads of laundry to fold and at least one that needs to be washed. I have winter clothes that need to be packed up and kids clothes that need to be gone through. I have my shirts and pants that need to gone through (I’ve gained 30 lbs since I’ve been on one med). My leggings are looking better and better everyday. Sweatshirts mean I don’t need to find a tshirt that fits. I feel gross but no matter how healthy I eat I am still gaining. I am starting to walk during my lunch. Today I walked a quarter of a mile and needed to sit down and rest before I headed back. The rest of the day I was winded, when I walked, when I talked. My heart rate was up too 156. I know slow and steady, it’s a sprint not a marathon, it will get easier the more I do it.
My family has been there for me throughout this whole thing. Helping with everything! Sometimes I feel like I have failed because I got lung cancer, I relay on my family for a lot. Support, help in all areas. Yet all I can do is say thank you and do you want to go to another appointment. Or hang out with the kids again.
Honestly we all know how expensive medical treatment is. So I won’t get into the depths of it. I never in a million years think that this would be Bryan and I. That I would hit my max out of pocket on my health insurance. That I would need to ask for help. But here we are with medical bills. Good news I should hit my max out of pocket in the next week when I start radiation. So line up all my appointments in June. Unfortunately it won’t matter. I will always hit my max out pocket I’ll always have medical bills.
This was a tough one to write. I promised I would be real with my emotions it took me two days to finish because I start crying and don’t want to feel like a bad mom crying in front of the boys.
Radiation officially starts next Tuesday-I’ll have 10 sessions Every day Monday-Friday. My last session if all goes well will be the day after Memorial Day. Thank you so much to my friends that have offered to make us a meal! Thank you so much Abby for the gift card! The boys keep asking if we can have dominos tonight. It wasn’t easy asking for help with dinner and I am sure that I will be reaching out asking for help getting the boys to baseball.
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