Please…

 

I know people mean well and often times people don’t know what to say but here are my lists of please dos and don’ts (because often times I don’t know how to respond when you do). 

1.) I can’t believe I have to say this one. and it’s mainly people I don’t know or who don’t really know me…don’t ask if I was a smoker.  I find it rude to assume I was a smoker. I have lungs, I can get lung cancer.  Just like I have bones, a brain, boobs I can get cancer in those places too.  

2.) I know people mean well…but I feel awkward when people tell me I’m amazing. Yup im in the fight of my life. I’ve never fought this hard but I’m also not a quitter. Yes I have a lot on my plate, but that doesn’t make me more amazing than anyone else. We all have a lot on our plates. I don’t feel amazing…most days I feel like i am letting someone down. 

3.) Please remember that cancer doesn’t define who I am. It’s not my whole being. There is so much more to who I am.  I’m a mom, wife, Senior Center Director, baseball lover, NKOTB obsessed, trashy tv obsessed. 

4.) Please don’t tell me I will beat this or I am a fighter or not to worry. The fact is I am considered terminal. If I am not hit by a bus tomorrow this most likely will be part of the reason I die. I dont know when that will be. I don’t know what medical science will bring next year. I do know that things are changing every single day.  So my chances of surviving 5,10 years are great.  I know I will have my ups and downs. I know I will have victories and defeats in this journey. But deep down I know that I won’t ever be cancer free. I’m not trying to be negative but it’s a fact.  I will have cancer cells trying to attach and spread. It is what it is.. 

5.) Again, cancer isn’t all of me.  it’s not all that I know how to talk about. There is a certain trial I am obsessed with. There is a concert coming up that I am excited about. My kids, my family, my weekend, my work. 

6.) Please don’t ask if I am still working or if I am back to work or if I took time off from work. Yes, I have been working. No I haven’t stopped working. Yes I am exhausted. I am working because I enjoy my work. It’s what I have known my entire adult life.  It’s part of who I am. When I am not working I don’t know what to do.  I nap more, I cry more, I get annoyed more. Working helps keep the emotions in check. Working gives me a purpose to my day when my kids are at school. 

7.) Please remember that I have a ton of emotions everyday.  Don’t assume because I don’t respond right away, or that I haven’t called you back I am mad. There are some days I look at my kids and can’t imagine not being in their lives. I wonder if this is the last time I will see them play baseball or if will see another graduation.  Will this be my last good day to walk up the stairs, to learn to play fortnight. There are other times I think I have so much time left. The unknown is scary. the unknown of how the kids and Bryan will handle it is the scariest thing for me. Some days my emotions are suppressed. Other days my medications dont work as well and I feel everything and I let my mouth speak my mind. This isn’t fair to others but it’s how I have been handling things. Please stick by.  Keep reaching out, keep checking on me.  Know that I think of my friends often And want to talk about how I am feeling but there are very few people that understand my life right now. And when I do talk about it I feel like I am complaining.  So it’s easier not too. 

8.) Please don’t  ask me how I am feeling and then say you would never know you look so good. Because honestly I really don’t and I’m not 100%sure what I am supposed to look like. I look like a hot mess some days. my clothes don’t fight right, I feel like a teenager going through puberty, I’ve never worn makeup so hiding the bags under my eyes isn’t going to happen, my hair-it has a mind of its own. 

9.) Please don’t look at my family any differently. We haven’t changed. Don’t judge my kids because I have lung cancer, don’t judge my husband or my mom and sisters. If you need help and you would have called me before pick up the phone. If you need to talk and I was your go to person-call me. My kids are okay.  Sure they don’t have extravagant vacations, or the latest and greatest things. But we are making memories. We are blueberry picking, lazy video game days, ice cream for dinner making memories. 

10.) I know I have asked a lot of my friends, family and everyone reading this. But I have one more request…spread the word. If you have lungs you can get lung cancer. It doesn’t matter if you’re a smoker, or not, if your parents smoked or not.  Your age doesn’t matter. Your sex doesn’t matter. I am 3 times more likely to die of lung cancer than breast cancer!  Lung cancer kills more people annually than breast and prostate cancer combined!  But yet it is the least funded.  How can this be?  

I appreciate everyone that has supported my fund raising efforts on the past!  id love to be able to meet and exceed my funding raising this year!  My walk is in November and I will be there. So if you have an idea or want to help or have a business that wants to donate please let me know!