Let the madness continue. 9.5 more days of school. And we are trying to cram q-z into those days, art shows, book fairs, school parties, baseball games.
I am glad to see the end of baseball season in sight. I’m sad with how this year has gone. Baelor declared he doesn’t like baseball because he was having too much anxiety as his games. I switched his team this year and now feel like this wasn’t the best decision. Trent played his heart and soul out. Hes been practicing every week since September with his travel team we ended the season with him sitting on the bench for half the game. I quickly learned driving an hour to hour and a half to watch your kid sit on the bench is disheartening to him and to me. We’ve learned a lot this year. But most importantly I learned how strong our boys are, how kind they are and how resilient they are-and that’s far more important than how many outs or hits they got.
I’ve decided to take a break from facebook. I’ve been on it less and less. And this weekend I struggled with feeling inadequate on so many levels. I don’t do the things I do for recognition but sometimes I feel I give to much or get walked on too much and I don’t want my kids to learn that it’s okay. I want my kids to learn to stick up for themselves and saying no I don’t like that or no I can’t help is okay. (I know I’m going off topic).
If I’ve learned anything throughout this journey it’s who I can count on. Who calls up or texts on a random day. I have friends who I thought would reach out. the same friends I haven’t heard from in months. On the other hand I have a friend who I was never super close too (we didn’t text each other but would be supportive in a group text) who reaches out. I have another friend who is going through her own thing and still reaches out.
I get it knowing someone with a chronic illness gets old. It gets old for the person as well. I don’t enjoy not making long term plans because I’m never sure how I’ll feel. when you ask how I am doing I want to be able to say great. And sometimes I do because I know people don’t want to hear my heartburn is out of control, I’ve gained 30lbs, I’ve had a chronic headache for three weeks and I’m scared because I have a brain scan coming up. Im still processing living with cancer. I’m still trying to accept that yes although I could get hit by a bus tomorrow statically I am more likely to die of lung cancer in the next 5 years than getting hit by a bus. So when I get upset that I am watching my son sit on a bench or quit baseball it’s because I don’t know what’s going to happen next year. Am I even going to make it to the ball field. When I take a break from Facebook it’s because I don’t want to compare myself to others. Our family vacations arent extravagant-what some people pay for vacations we pay in medical expenses. Last year alone I paid over $20,000 to stay Healthy. And we all know as the cost of living goes up so don’t medical costs. I got a bill the other day for my medication. A mere $4,560 for a months supply. I’ll be calling on Monday to ensure my pharmacy card went through but the struggle is real!?! My family has been great helping us. I can’t begin to thank them or repay them. So while I am happy for all the vacations and new toys that my friends got it makes me a little sad and feel a little inadequate.
So while I heal my mental health and focus on other things. If you need me text my cell. if you don’t have my cell feel free to email me. I’ll be updating my blog once a week. With randomness or real time updates.
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