This week has been tough. I don’t even know why. I had an incredible week last week with my family. I ended it at the NKOTB concert. I should be on top of the world this week. I keep replaying words that were said to me that hurt me. I am questioning myself. Am I kind enough, do I reach out enough, and I self centered? Do I really only care about myself? I never thought I cared about what people thought of me but recently I have. Recently I wonder who my friends are or aren’t. I wonder if I am that awful of a friend and that’s why I don’t get invited for drinks or dinner.
Another struggle I have been having is the words 5 years… my kids will be 14 and 12. In 9th and 6th grade. Still babies in my eyes. It’s five holidays, 60 short months…5 birthdays…260 weeks…5 first days and 5 last days of school. It's 20 pet Scans and 20 mri's…. How do I make these five years count? I certainly don't know when my five years are starting or when it is going to end. But I can't seem to shake that the 5-year survival rate for stage IV lung cancer patients is only ~21%. Of a hundred of us living with this only 21 will live past 5 years…how can this be? How do I shake the words 5 years out of my mind?
How am I going to make those five years count? How am I going to leave my stories for my boys? How am I going to leave my mark on the world? Or even in my community?
I read something recently that said if I died tomorrow my Facebook page would be filled with condolences and memories. Why can’t we say the kind words and memories before it’s too late? Why can’t we remember that we never know when your words will be the last words someone here’s from you.
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