I’ve been on vacation for most of the week. We took the kids to Legoland in New York. I knew it was going to take a lot out of me. But didn’t realize how much. We came home Thursday and I napped for several hours. Friday I had the worst migraine I couldn’t and didn’t get out of bed until 3:30. We ran some errands but nothing extreme. My headache finally started to subside around 4 to a normal headache I could function with.
I went to bed early in hopes of getting a full nights sleep. At 3.00 Baelor started crying for me. So here I am 4:00 in the morning cuddling my youngest.
My whole point is this disease is exhausting. Not only the emotional part of it but the physical side of it. A day at Legoland wiped me out for a day and a half. A day I felt guilty for sleeping all day so I can enjoy a concert tonight.
My depression has been high lately. Thinking about what should have been or shouldn’t have happened. Thinking about how much time I have wasted away this summer because the heat exhausts me. Why am I one of the lucky ones to join the most unwanted but friendlist club there ever was!?! What did I do? Who did I piss off? Was I that bad of a person? Did I hurt that many people? Should I reach out and apologize? Friends I stopped talking too relationships I pushed away. People I might have wronged.
I make jokes about dying because it is easier than handling the truth. But it’s a coping skill. When in reality it scares the living crap out of me. How much planing should I do? Should I figure out someone to take the dog for a couple of weeks when I get really sick? Will that make things easier for Bryan? Do I want a memorial service? Should I pick out the pictures? I know I want to donate my body to science. I started to write my obituary. I found it therapeutic.
I struggle with is this my last good summer. I know nobody knows. When your numbers up it’s up. But having this loom over your head is daunting. It’s exhausting mentally.
This is just a little inside look at what this disease has done to me. I haven’t (at least in this post) started on the physical side effects. The weight gain bc of medications. ive always struggled with my weight. I’ve always wanted to be skinnier, thinner, toner, etc. But my problem is I also want to eat pizza and tacos. I was happy when I lost a ton of weight before being diagnosed. I was down to 135. I was ok when my weight was around 160. But now I am not even close to that! I am not okay with my weight now. I step on the scale almost every morning. Did I gain anything overnight? Did I eat too much? I lost .5 of a pound. Why wasn't it a full pound.
I want to walk. But I make excuses. It’s too humid, the laundry needs to be done, it’s going to rain. I don’t want to leave the kids for a half hour while I go for a walk down the street. Going to the gym is out of the question. Besides for the costs of a gyms membership I can hardly walk a quarter mile without looking like I ran a marathon.
I know we all have our own problems we are facing. Nobody’s life is perfect. We all have our own insecurities.
I feel like with my diagnosis my insecurities have come out more. That I struggle to let things go. I struggle with a lot more. Some of it I blame on being tired all the time. Some of it I blame on the unknown in life.
Tonight I go see NKOTB! I can’t wait (Thank you Bianca and YLCI-you rock!!!). Tomorrow I will rest before going back to work on Monday. I am scared about how much this is going to take out of me.
Comments
Post a Comment