I know I have said this before but I truly believe that when our number is up our number is up. I have never been afraid of dying-until a year and a half ago. I have suffered many loses in my (what I consider) short life. My dad at when I was 16, all of my grandparents before I was 25, my Godmother, college professors, teachers, and since I started my career working in the Senior Center many residents that I came to love like family.
I have watched family members suffer and I have had family members pass suddenly without a warning. I also said I don't know which is easier...on the one hand passing quickly the person isn't suffering but the family doesn't get to say goodbye. When the dying is drawn out the person is suffering and the family has to watch them suffer-and it is painful seeing them in pain.
When I was first diagnosed I made the mistake of asking my doctor what the survival rate was-5 years. Since then I have done research and see stats from 7% to 28% live past 5 years with Stage IV Lung Cancer with EFGR Exon 19. If there were 100 people only 7 of us would still be alive after 5 years. How can this be? Science is ever changing. There are new technologies...but even 28% the odds aren't in my favor.
I fear dying now more than anything. I fear leaving my kids without a mother when they need me. I fear leaving Bryan without a wife at a young age. We haven't traveled, we have barely lived our life. We still have so much to do. I fear dying before my mom. I saw the pain she went through when my dad died, and the pain that my grandmother went through when my dad died. No parent should have to bury their child. I fear the day that I get too sick to do anything. I fear so much about dying from this horrible disease. Will I be able to goodbye to my friends and let them know how much they have meant to me. I don't know when it will happen, I don't know how it will happen. I fear what happens when I can't work anymore. Or I can't take care of myself. How much do we tell the kids? How much do we let them see. I fear not being able to communicate to people. I fear not being comfortable and being in pain. I fear not knowing how people are feeling. Have I made amends with those that I needed too? Have I myself forgiven those that I needed too?
One of my biggest fears in life is will anyone come to my wake or funeral. (I know this is super ridiculous and why should I even care?) Wakes and funerals are hard on everyone. Is that something I want to put my family through? At the same time it is a time to say goodbye. It is a sense of closure. These are things that I will need to think about and plan for. I want to make things as easy as possible for my family, when my time comes.
One thing that I have committed to is I want to donate my body to science. Nobody can tell me why I am the one that got lung cancer even though I have never smoked. Sure they can tell me its the DNA, but why my DNA, why did it decide to mutate to this? I want to be able to help answers these questions. I want to be able to help the next person be able to get screened prior to because they found something that could have prevented this. I want medical students to be able to learn more about this horrible disease so maybe the next person will be able to be cured.
I've always known that I could walk across the street tomorrow and get hit by a car. But it never bothered me. I never thought about the fear associated with death and dying until I was diagnosed. And now I can't stop thinking about it.
Please don't cry when I die. Fill the room with memories of our time together.
I'll leave you with two of my favorite quotes: "I know you would be here today if Heaven wasn't so far away." "Don't send me flowers when I am dead-if you like me send them to me while I am alive."
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