Grief is a funny thing. You never know when grief is going to hit. It can come out of nowhere, or it can be brought on by a memory. There are times that you might think you are doing better. And then WHAM it hits you like a Mack truck.
Grief is often associated with the loss of someone, but it can also be the loss of something or the change of something. I have grieved a lot of things in my life. The loss of my father, grandparents, the end of relationships and friendships. The end of college, the end of jobs. I've grieved the sex of my babies (yes I admit I had gender disappointment) and I've grieved the loss of a baby. I have grieved a life that I once had and a life that I thought I was going to have.
They say there is five stages of grief: 1.) Denial, 2.) Anger, 3.) Bargaining, 4.) Depression and 5.) Acceptance. I bounce back and forth between denial, anger, bargaining and depression. In my opinion that's okay. I don't know if I will ever accept that this is my fate. I don't know if I will ever be okay with it. But I don't have a timeline to accept this. It might come on my last day fighting. Or it might come next week.
Grief is a powerful thing. There is no set timeline on how long you should grieve. And there shouldn't be a textbook answer to this. People grieve in different ways all around. I tend to shut down and not open up to many when I am grieving. Because why should I be grieving the gender of my babies-they were both healthy and that's what mattered. Or it's been 26 years since I lost my father-why am I still grieving? Until you have been through what the other is grieving you can't pass judgement and in most cases it's not the same. We all live a different life, we all have different relationships and its okay for us all to grieve in our own way.
I know it is easier said than done but when I am unable to fight this battle anymore I don't want my friends and family to grieve the life that I lived or the life that I won't have the chance to live. I want people to celebrate the things I did. I am happy with the things that I have done. I am content with the life that I have lived. I am thankful that I have had the time that I have had. I am thankful for the friendships I have made.
Remember if my parting has left a void fill it with remembered joy!!!!
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