Today

 

Today I broke down.  I was tired of being strong. I was tired of putting a smile on my face and pretending everything is okay.  

I cried in front of the kids. I lied to the kids and told them I just didn’t feel good. It’s not 100% a lie I didn’t feel good.  Today I didn’t feel good because my heart hurt. My heart hurts because I have had one shoe drop already and I am constantly on edge of when the other will drop.  Will it be in three months, six months, 9 months?  I cried because almost two years into this I am still living my life in three month increment.  And I know fully that it won’t ever stop being that way.  

I spent the morning down on myself because of little things. Feeling like I have failed my kids because I find myself asking for help.  I know I should ask for help when I need it but I struggle.  I ask my family for help (today my mom ran and got milk, and toothpaste for us; yesterday it was picking up the kids from the bus stop bc I was so tired). My kids didn’t ask for this diagnosis. Heck neither did I-but here I am.  I spent the morning down on myself because of statistics that aren’t in my favor.  I can’t change them. I can’t change the fact that I am the 1 of 1 in 16 will be diagnosed with lung cancer. 

Today I cried because if I had breast cancer there would be more resources, more funding, and honestly more understanding.  Lung cancer is the least funded cancer but yet more people die from it than they do of breast, prostate and colon cancer combined!  When I was first diagnosed and I told people I would say more than 50% of people I told asked if I smoked, my husband smoked or my parents smoked.  Today I cried because I want to be able to educate people but I don’t want to be judge that I have lung cancer.  I want people to know that anyone with lungs can get lung cancer.  

Today I cried because i thought of all my ”friends” who said they would be there for me, yet my text messages certainly say differently. I know I could reach out. I know people don’t know what to say to me.  There are people I thought I was close with who I haven’t heard from in over a year.  Who I don’t feel comfortable reaching out too when I’m having a tough day but I would drop anything to listen or help when they are struggling.  I thought of my husbands “lifelong friends” who haven't reached out at all since I was diagnosed.  Not even a text.  I cried because this really is a lonely journey not just for me but for him too. 

I cried because I feel like my posts are annoying. I think people must be getting tired of seeing my walk info posted. But I’ve put so much pressure on myself to raise money I can’t stop.  

Today I cried because when I thought about myself turning 43 I never thought this would be my life.  A terminal diagnosis, depression and anxiety that come and go but most days come and don’t go.  Depending far too much on my family for far too many things.  Keeping it all in because I don’t want to burden the three friends I feel I can reach out too.  

I let my guard down today and cried.  I reached out to a group of strangers who offered to listen And help anyway they could.  But mainly I let my guard down because I am scared. Scared because breathing has been difficult, coughing has returned and I fear I might cough up blood.  But today I didn’t let myself cry all day.  i gave my boys hugs, I cleaned, cooked, and knit.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I will start fresh!