25 years

 Tonight I went to my 25th high school reunion.  Holy cow-I can’t believe I’ve been out of school 25 years.    Some days high school feels like yesterday other days it feels a million years ago.  It was a small crowd but it was nice.  I felt like I was able to talk to everyone.  It was nice to connect and catch up.  It was nice to hear how people are doing, what they have been up too.  

 I was nervous about going. I can be a little socially awkward.  I wasn’t popular in high school.  I had my core group of friends and I was friendly with everyone but I wasn’t popular.  i was nervous bc this was the first time that I had seen some of my classmates in 5 years.   its The first time I had seen or let’s be honest even talked to the majority of the people that where there since i received my diagnosis.  i know people don’t know what to say to me. I know people don’t know how to react.  But trust me when I tell you neither do i.  I don’t know what to say when people ask how I am doing. Im shitty. I’m coming up on 2 years of my diagnosis I don’t know how much time I have left. It could be another year it could be another 10 years.  I don’t know what to say when people tell me how strong I am. What choice do I have doesn’t seem appropriate.  I don’t know what to say when people tell me I look good do I feel good.  Thank you I’m glad I don’t look like I feel. Because 9 times out of 10 I feel shitty.  I don’t know what to say when people ask how the kids or Bryan are doing. Bryan is doing shitty. None of ”his friends” have reached out to check in.  His core group of high school friends haven’t checked on him.  It’s shitty to know that you were friends with people for so long and now nothing.  I tell myself it’s because they don’t know what to say not because they don’t care. Thats what Id like to think at least. When he talks to people they automatically ask how I am. How are the boys doing?  About as good as they can.  Baelor struggles the most. trent struggles in his own way.  Tonight he came down and said he couldn’t fall asleep can I lay with him. we Hadn’t laid down more then 10 mins when he grabbed onto my arm and wrapped his arm around me. Hes not letting go anytime soon but is peacefully sleeping.   Being diagnosed with stage Iv lung cancer isn’t something you just forget about. Its not something that a day doesn’t go by that I dont remember I have this hanging over my head.  And if I manage to go a day without thinking about it along comes bedtime and the pile of pills I get to take.  

Doesn’t look like a lot but thats just my night time meds. And Im missing two from this picture.   

 25 years is a long time. When you really think about it. Alot can change in 25 years.  People change, friendships change.  Life changes.  Who knows where I will be when the class of 99 has their next reunion.  I hope I’m there beating the odds. Im glad I was able to make this one.