It’s my second lung cancer awareness month (well technically my 43 but my second that I’ve been aware of.). It started at Lahey for another bronchoscope. They didn’t try and inflate my lower lobe and now I wait for the tissue samples to come back. Hopefully it will be the week or less that they are saying. Hopefully it comes back with some answers that will explain the cough and how they can treat it. Hopefully it doesn’t show up with a new mutation…but then it won’t explain why my Tagrisso isn’t working like they want it too. I want answers but I hope there is nothing.
Last week I walked my walk. It took awhile to recover from it. I was tired, achy, disappointed. I’ve realized how out of shape I am. Walking a 5k exhausted me. And it took me a little less than an hour and a half (80 mins). Ugh. I clearly need to start getting back into shape. I just dont know how. I like to eat…I tend to eat my feelings. I love candy more than I love being skinny. I have an excuse why I shouldnt walk. It’s cold, it’s hot, it’s dinner time, it’s bedtime, it’s dark. I can’t seem to get up early enough because I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted yet I can’t seem to get to sleep. I start to fall asleep and the cough comes back.
None of this seems fair. I’m tired I want to cry most days. But I put on a smile (or a semi smile) and do the best I can. People ask how I am doing and I put a smile on and tell them good. But it’s a lie. I’m not doing good. I am scared, nervous, petrified, feel like I am living a lie everytime I say I am doing good. Because I’m not. I want to be one of the moms that has her shit together. A routine for myself and my family. A home cooked dinner planned every night, not forgetting to send in a Halloween round table cloth until the stores are closed so he gets three rectangular tablecloth (gold and fall). I don’t want to be embarrassed or my kids to be embarrassed bc I forgot to send it in. I want to be a mom who goes out for mom’s nights, rather then being in bed early. I want to be a mom whose kids aren’t embarrassed bc I have lung cancer. Who don’t have to defend me and tell friends that I have lung cancer but no I didn’t smoke. I don’t want to feel like I have to reach out and apologize to Trent’s friends parents when he tells his friends that. But I feel like I do bc I don’t know how much they want their kids to know. I want too not read into things. Or read into actions. I want to not lay in bed crying after everyone is asleep because I don’t want to worry my family. I’d rather not cry at all. I don’t want to feel guilty when I complain bc I know there are so many people out There going through far worse. But it’s heard not to feel guilty. I have an incredible support system. I have friends and friends of friends and strangers telling me how incredible I am doin, how strong I am. But it’s all a show. I’m not strong at all. I’m not doing incredible keeping it all together.
i read this tonight: High functioning depression is scary as hell, because you are very capable of hiding emotions, feelings and thoughts. So no one knows you’re not okay.
Yes I have a counselor, that I talked to every week. Sometimes twice a week. Yes I take my meds to try and help. but it doesn’t mean that I still don’t suffer from high functioning depression.
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