Today...

 

T

Today I cried.  I cried because I am overwhelmed.  I cried because my toe hurts (up I cried over my toe hurting).  I cried because I feel like I should be doing more.  I cried because I am disappointed in myself.  I cried because I complain that I don't feel good and I shouldn't complain. I cried because I am overwhelmed with life.  I cried because I keep thinking I am two years into this diagnosis-and I keep seeing so many people having progression.  

Work is overwhelming on a good day.  This week has been even more overwhelming for me.  I don't know why, but I am feeling it more this week.  I am feeling the pressure to help everyone that calls about open enrollment.  (I have been referring people to other avenues for the past week or so but I feel bad).  I feel bad that I can't help everyone.  I feel bad that there are people that are paying more than they should for medication plans.  This week alone I have helped a couple save over $5,000 each in health care costs. I am feeling overwhelmed at how many changes there are too Medicare this year.  And if I am feeling overwhelmed how are others feeling?  

I feel like I should be doing more to raise awareness about Lung Cancer.  I see articles, I see people on the news and I wish I had done more.  

I complain that I don't feel good.  I don't feel good half the time.  But why should I complain.  There are people that are in far worse shape than I am.  There are people that aren't able to get up and go to work.  There are people that are laying in bed because of the pain.  There are people are on oxygen full time.  (One of my fears).  I complain that I can't breath because of the smoke around here.  I shouldn't complain because it could be far worse.  I could have the fire in my backyard, threatening my house.  I should feel grateful that it is just in the air and I can't see it.  

Yes, I have talked to my therapist.  Yes I am working through these.  But it’s overwhelming, it’s a process.  The feelings are maybe normal.  Maybe they aren't.  Maybe it’s okay that I cried today.  Did I feel better, I did.  But eventually the feeling of being overwhelmed came back.  So here I am blogging, scrolling, and sending work emails to get over this feeling.  🤍🤍🤍