I’m having trouble sleeping tonight. I took a napitizer starting at 9:45 until 11:00. And I’ve been up ever since…it’s 2:15 now.
I started writing this last night….here I am again not able to sleep. I was up at 5:30, i did take just a half hour Power Nap after dinner.
I have so much on my mind. None of which is important- I’m laying here thinking about my work budget and the goals for fy 2026. And how I need to make sure to finish it. Good news is I finished the budget for the COA today, Monday I’ll work on the health departments budget. With the hopes of getting that finished before the holiday.
Im thinking about what I want to do with my hair at my appointment today. I’d love to add fun colors. I did end up getting phone colors…blue pink and purple. I love it.
I’m thinking about how stressed I am about my upcoming scan. And how my doctor is on vacation so I won’t know anything from Him for at least a week…
Im worried about my cough. And I just don’t understand why I can’t kick it. I know I know it’s the lung cancer. But is this going to be my new norm? Am I always going to have a cough? Is my sleep always going to be this messed up? Am I always going to feel exhausted but not at able to sleep?
I have all the things I still need to get done before Tuesday. How I wanted to run some errands today but the snow messed up those plans…
It will be nice to have a white Christmas. But I had errands I wanted to do this afternoon. I know Im being selfish. Does anyone else feel completely unprepared for the holidays? I have gifts to wrap, I’d like to bake cookies for work. And a house to clean up?
They say to lay in bed for a half hour or an hour and if you cant sleep to get up and do something. I could be cleaning the bathroom, or the kitchen. I could be wrapping presents.
So random question….who here wraps the stocking stuffers? I do… Which adds to my stress….
Im thinking about how different my life would be if I wasn’t diagnosed. How I wouldn’t cry most days because I’m scared of the future….how I wouldn’t be worried about this being my last Christmas with the boys and how perfect it needs to be….does it need to be perfect or is this an unreasonable expectation I put on myself? They will happy-they always are.
But let’s be honest. The real reason I can’t sleep is bc of my upcoming scan. I’m scared of progression. I’m scared of chemo. I’m scared of the next steps.
Im falling asleep so I’ll wrap this up.
I want to thank everyone for the kind words after my last post. For my friends that have seen the picture…thank you for assuring me that’s not what I look like and it’s the angle of the picture. For ,y hubby who keeps telling me how beautiful I am and assuring me it’s the angle. Ugh it’s not a flattering angle. I have a plan in place thank you to some incredible friends! Here’s to feeling like myself in 2025,
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