Holidays

 

I used to love the holiday.  The magic that came a long with it.  The excitement that the kids had, the innocence in their eyes leading up to the big night, the family time together. 

Don't get me wrong I still love them.  But there is something different about the holidays when you have a terminal illness looming over your head.  Nothing really matters anymore except the time that we spend together as a family.  But at the same time you still want to make it magical for the kids.  I want to make sure that they believe as long as possible.   But how do I help them believe when Baelor tells me that he wants Santa to take away my cancer and make me healthy again.  It was the one thing that he asked for last year...and its the one thing that he didn't get.  How do you explain to a 6 year old that Santa can't take away mommies cancer.  

Holidays are stressful for the best of is. There is the pressure of getting the perfect gift for everyone. There is the pressure of making sure that the kids have the same amount of gifts, making sure there is something under the tree for mom and dad, making sure the stockings are filled.  

Don’t forget teacher gifts, cards to be mailed out, and secret Santa’s.  I always end forgetting one thing. 

Then there’s the pressure to make sure you see everyone.   

Nobody talks about the pressure of a terminal illness around the holidays.  Will this be my last Christmas?  Will I make another holiday concert at the school?  Have i materialized the holidays too much for my kids? Will my scan two days before christmas come back before Christmas?  Or will I stress about the results?  Let’s talk about the financial piece.  Bryan and I set a budget. We stick to the budget.  But along comes the radiation bill.  Or the mri bill.  Bills you weren’t expecting. The good news is Bryan and I make to much for any help..the bad news is we don’t make enough to not feel the pressure of the additional bills.  

Does the headache I’ve had for the past three days indicate anything other then the weather changing?  Will bryan continue with my holiday traditions (the ornament that is stuffed full of ribbon that shows how tall the boys were for the past several years?) the wrapping of stocking stuffers?  Or will that all stop when I’m not here?  Will someone make the calendars that I make for our families? Will the kids watch the Grinch and want to ride around looking for lights?  But most of all will this be my last good Christmas? 

 Last year was garbage in terms of my health. I was down for the count for most of December.  Every ache, pain, headache I worry if it’s coming back. Will I be down for the count again?  

I know I can’t think like this. And I need to live each day to the fullest.  I try everyday too.  But having a terminal illness can weigh you down.  

Heres to a stress free new year.  A new year filled with love and laughter.