Ugh

 

Today I saw a picture of myself on Facebook.  My friends group at my COA held our holiday party.  The police served so pictures were posted on their page.  I saw the post and immediately started crying.  Yup I cried when I saw this picture of myself.  

Ive always been self conscious about my weight. I’ve been up and I’ve been down. But I’ve always managed to maintain a “healthy” weight for me. I’ve also never had to work hard at losing the weight that I gained. 

I totally get I am getting older and weight is harder to come off as I get older.  And that I need to have some extra weight incase I go on a med that makes me lose weight. 

but the reality of it is I don’t like the way I look anymore.  This is the heaviest I have been.  Even when I was pregnant I wasn’t this heavy.  And at least when I was pregnant I could say the weight was for the two of us.  Lol. I struggle to breath when I walk short distances, going upstairs hurts, my whole body aches. And none of my clothes fit.  But I keep pulling them on and being uncomfortable because I I’m too cheap to and I clearly like to torture myself.  

I want to lose the weight. I want to go for walks.  Heck I’d love to start running (there I said it) maybe it will help clear my head and help me feel better.  I’d love to be one of those people that can get up early hit the gym and still make it to work on time.  Or go after work.  But I’m exhausted. I sleep a lot (I know it will give me energy and make me feel better). But let’s be honest. I need accountability.  I need someone that will say I’m outside waiting to go for a run with you.  I’m at the gym (I’d also need a gym membership 😂).  

I eat healthy but my meds and my age have helped me gain weight.  I eat healthy and really don’t eat a lot.  But I need to cut the sugar down considerable.  

so here’s to a new day and no pictures of me being taken.   😂