Tonight

 

I’ve been complaining to Bryan about back/neck pain for the past couple of weeks.  It hurts when I walk, hurts when I cough.   this weekend I was on the verge of tears everytime I moved. I finally emailed my oncologist so that if I was feeling good when I saw him he would be aware.  See the thing is if I am feeling good then I knew I wouldn’t say anything.  I would say I felt fine and go about my appointment.  Its my fear of there being nothing wrong.  My fear of wasting time.  My fear of complaining that eventually I won’t be taken seriously.  

I explained all this when I saw Dr Piper.  Who assured me that I need to tell him if I have any new symptoms or new things that don't seem right.   

It’s hard to put your insecurities out there to schedule tests to have nothing be wrong.  It’s hard to be vulnerable and not know what’s normal and what’s not.  It’s hard knowing I could be taking that time from some that really needs it.  

It’s hard when your doctor tells you you’ve been hit hard with side effects from the medication.  That if there is a side effect I’ve gotten them.   Go me…I go big!  

Cancer doesn’t just fuck with your body.  It fucks with your mind, your confidence, your appearance, your wanting to go out and do things.