Two years....

 

I still can't believe that I am coming up on my two-year cancerverisary.  Two years ago my life changed in so many ways.  Going into the anniversary I have mixed feelings.  

I am incredibly thankful/happy that I am still here every day.  I am thankful that my medication is working the way that it should be.  

I am terrified every day that I wake up and that this is my last good day.  

I have a love-hate relationship with my medication.  I love that the medication is there for me and keeping my cancer at bay.  But at the same time I hate that I have to take the medication.  I hate the way it makes me feel.  

I love the people that I have met along this journey.   Not only the doctors but also the friends that I have met and haven't met that are fighting the same fight that I am fighting.  I am excited to meet more of these ladies in person at the end of the month.  

I am incredibly grateful for all the support my family, friends, community and work have given me.  

I am not going to pretend that this has been easy.  Because in no way has it been easy.  I am not going to pretend that I am strong or brave in any way because I am not.  I know this is a fight that I am fighting and that I won't ever win.  (I know never say never).  But the reality is I won't.  And I won't pretend that I am not scared and nervous about the future.  Because nothing scares me more than not having a plan in place.  And if I have learned anything in the past two years, I have learned that cancer doesn't care if you want a plan in place.  

Two years ago, I answered my phone to hear the words "You have Lung Cancer that has spread to your brain."  Here is a list of your upcoming appointments to start treatment: pulmonologist, oncologist, biopsy and so many more.  Two years later I still struggle when I have scans coming up, waiting for results, when I get a headache, when I don’t feel good, or when I have a cough. I struggle with how much to share and when to share it.  It gets a little awkward meeting people for the first time. (Hi I’m Theresa I have a cough but don’t worry it’s not COVID or anything contagious it’s just lung cancer.)  Two years later I struggle with what to say when people tell me I look good.  Two years later I struggle with what to say when people tell me how strong I am, or I’ll beat this. I struggle with the reality that I have terminal cancer.  That I am not the mom that I once thought I was going to be.  I need to take breaks, and I need to watch how much I do.  I still struggle with the reality that I can't do it all and I need help.  It is humbling to ask for help.  But here I am asking for help from others when I was always the helper.  I still want to help but I hesitate because I never know how I am going to feel.