Stable

 

Stable-no change.  Has not gotten worse, but at the same time hasn’t gotten better.  It’s a tricky word.  Most people hear stable and are excited.  Its weird.  I’m excited to be stable it means my cancer has not progressed.  It means I get another three months on tagrisso.  It means I don’t need to make a decision about what my treatment is going to be.  It means my appointments haven't increased overnight.  

But at the same time it means I don’t have an explanation as to why my back hurts.  It means my headaches are here with no explanation why.  It means I don’t have answers for my aches and pains.  It also means that I asked for scans because I was worried and there was no need for it.  

This is something that I have struggled with for some time.  I wait until things are so bad that I can't stand it anymore.  I have a fear or there being nothing wrong.  I have a fear of making a big deal out of something that isn't a big deal.  I know that as my treatment goes on I need to become more comfortable about speaking up.  I need to realize that this is what my doctor wants me to do.  They want me to speak up because it is better to do the tests and have it be nothing then not do the test and have it be something that wasn't caught sooner.  

So heres to speaking up and not being afraid to have scans that say stable.  Here's to being okay with not having answers for why I am still getting headaches, or why it hurts to breath (I know I have a collapsed lung and it is cold out).  Here's to being okay with the word stable.