Here we go again...

 

I know you wanted to sing that...because honestly as I typed it I did.  

Not to much to update except that I have my spinal tap scheduled for Thursday.  It has a big fancy name that I can't remember but its a spinal tap.  

So here are my fears going into it.  

1.) Pain.  Dr. Burke said it is like having an epidural except they are taking fluid out instead of putting fluid in.  Honestly, I don't remember about the FOUR (yes I said four) epidurals that I had between the two kids.  What a nightmare that was.  Three of those were with Trent and I ended up not being hooked up to the pain meds in the end.  Baelor I thought I could do the laughing gas but couldn't figure it out (I know it can't be that complicated) so ended up asking for an epidural and was too late because he came before they could complete it.  

I am terrified that it is going to hurt more than I can handle.  

2.) I am honestly scared of the results.  I know I can't change the outcome.  If they find something we can address it head on.  I'd rather know then wonder. How bad can it honestly be?  I mean really what's worse than being told you have stage iv lung cancer???  

3.) What if they don't find anything?   This would be the ideal situation.  I mean really who wants to have something wrong with them?  But then how do I explain the pain?  Hi, my name is Theresa and I can't handle the stress of life-it causes me at times debilitating pain.  The pain is in my head or is self-induced.  Good times. 

4.) My biggest fear is how the kids are handling things.  Baelor has been extra clingy lately.  Yesterday was a struggle getting off to school that left us both in tears crying. Today he didn't want to go to his nana's because he wanted to spend time with me.  Don't get me wrong I love the quality time with the boys, but I struggle with how they are holding up and handling things.  How they are expressing themselves.  Baelor seems to be struggling the most on the outside.  But Trent holds it all in.  

There are so many more fears that I have but this is the short end of it.  Obviously not being the office last week was stressful.  I was working from home every day trying to keep up on emails, and calls, and start grant reports, but it is so stressful not having everything you need at your fingertips.  I am fearful that I am going to have to miss more work, and I am running out of sick time.  

I am not one to ask for prayers, I fully believe that everything happens for a reason.  I know that I can't change the outcome of my spinal tap and what the results are.  They are already there.  There is either something or there isn't.  Nothing I can do now is going to change the results of it.  But if you have a minute, can you think good thoughts for me?