Angry

 

The past couple of days I’ve been angry.  Like really angry.  Angrier then Ive been in a while.  I don’t know where my anger is coming from.  But here are a few things that have been getting to me.   

im angry that this is my life.  That I’m told im only given what I can handle.  Bc handling lung cancer wasn’t enough let’s add in LMD.  

Im angry that this is the life my kids and family are living.  It’s not fair to them.  I know who ever said life was fair.  

Im angry that I struggle to walk 10-15 feet.  That I get winded just walking to the bathroom.  

Im angry that I have to ask for help.   I can’t do it all.  I can’t tell you the last time I cooked dinner.  My family has been living off cereal and I’m okay with it.  

Im angry that I feel like I am judged. That I feel like people don’t know what to say to me.  I’m still the same person I was.  

Im angry that I will most likely never see my kids graduate high school, or play in a high school sports game.  I’ll most likely never see them go to prom or ask someone out on a date.  I will never see them getting married or have kids.  

Ill never “retire” to watch my grandkids.  

I like to think ive accomplished a lot in my career.  But there are still things that I’ll never get to do.   

I’ll never throw a party to throw a party to celebrate me. Why because that’s not who I am.   I think I like the attention but in reality I don’t.    And the money don’t get me started on that.   lol 

I’ll never meet the other men of my dreams-NKOTB, Kevin Y, really any red sox player.  I was lucky enough to marry the man of my dreams and i am incredibly thankful and lucky to have him by my side.  But I would probably lose my shit if I met the above mentioned.  

Im angry that I cant control my anxiety and it manifests into something I worry about.  Im angry that I feel the need to apologize when I worry about said panic attack and feel like I have put people out.  

Im angry that this is what my kids are going to remember.   I’m angry that I can’t get past the anger.  I am angry that fucking lung cancer has taken so much from me, from the boys, from Bryan, from my mom and sisters.  I’m angry at the ass hole neurologist that told me everything was fine and we would retest in 6-12 months.   

I am angry that we wait until someone is “dying” to let them know how we feel about them.  Life is too short to hold it in.  I am sorry I am so angry.  I am sorry that I haven’t been present lately.  I am thankful to my friends that have reached out and understood when I’ve said it’s been a struggle lately.  I am thankful for my friends at the baseball field who haven’t treated me differently. who have brought meals, offered help with the boys while bryan and I process this.