I feel like I say often how much of a whirlwind it has been. Some days I feel like I am looking at life from the outside. That the minutes go by so fast and I am not really "living" it. This past weekend went by in a flash. Sunday was a lazy day for cuddling, watching tv and snuggling.
Today I started back on the steroids....you know what that means? Cravings, no sleep and tears. Yes, I cry when I am tried and lacking sleep. Yes I have cravings. Unfortunately, I am not cooking as much as I would like so I try and curb my cravings. Tonight I got an add for the new Ramen Place (not so new) in Georgetown. Immediately my brain thought oooo ramen that sounds delish. Then I realized that all I have is regular ramen and it won't be as good as the ramen place. lol. So its pasta salad that I have in the fridge for dinner.
I’m struggling with this week. I have chemo tomorrow and we are trying the Ami again on Wednesday. I was so close last week. I only had three hours left. I don’t understand my body or the reasoning behind it. I don’t understand that I am feeling my best today that I have in over a week. I didn’t use the wheelchair today. I walked into work. i walked around work. I did have to sit and rest when walking from my desk to the front desk but it was manageable. I even walked and got the mail and walked into the house. I feel like my body is saying f you. You’re feeling good but you have chemo this week so just kidding.
Im nervous about this weekend. Am I going to be strong enough? Will I be confined to the wheelchair? Will there be enough food/drinks? Parking? Should I have waited until I was “sicker”? What is the appropriate amount of sickness to have a living celebration? I don’t look sick-you can’t see my cancer. I never lost my hair, I’ve lost weight but I could afford to lose it…should i have waited? When Dr Piper sat me down a couple of months ago and officially told me I had LMD and the prognosis wasn’t good I knew I wanted to do something. I had toyed with the idea with my friend Dawnielle. But always thought I had more time. But honestly do any of us have all the time in the world? We like to think we do but do we really? I don’t know when my time will be up. There are things I do know. I know I’m not done fighting. I know I will treat this as aggressively as I possibly can. I know that when I can’t fight this anymore or when my treatment stops working I will be at peace with the decisions I made regarding my treatment. I know I’ll be scared~ not to die but to leave my boys.
I hope this party is the first of many. I hope that Dr Piper is wrong. I hope that I outlive the statistics of LMD. I hope that funding for lung cancer research comes back and there is another treatment out there for me. I hope that this isn’t the end of line for me. And if it is I hope that it’s a beginning for others with the same diagnosis.
But most of all I hope for laughs, smiles, tears of joy and good times on Saturday. I hope that old friends and new friends come together to share memories. I hope that new friendships are made and old friendships are renewed. I hope to be able to educate those around me. I hope that if I can educate or change someone’s path it was worth it.
I hope next year on August 2nd i post a picture of me wearing a shirt that says “still kicki bitches!” And I hope memories are shared with the same tag lined.
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