This should be week three of my new infusion med. Since I restarted it I have had it twice missed a week and been told the next time I have it I will need to be hospitalized to be desensitized to the med. I have a lot of unknowns about this week. With all the unknowns to say my anxiety is high would be an understatement. I do know that I have to be in Burlington very early.
I do know that I go to Peabody today to hopefully learn more about the process.
But it’s not just my medical that has had my anxiety high. Kids activities that are up in the air. Wondering if I messed up opportunities for my kids. Wondering if the kids are going to be okay and able to follow their dreams. Wondering if Bryan is going to be okay. I recognize that my health is only going to get worse as time goes on. Which is only going to make things harder on those around me. The guilt I carry about being a burden to my family is high. The longing for my kids to fit in and not because people feel bad that their mom has cancer keeps me up at night.
I decided to have a party to celebrate life and friends and good times. This too is giving me anxiety. Should it? No. Is it? Yes. Theres the money it is costing (if you know me I don’t like to spend money on me). Theres the planning and the burden I am putting on everyone to help. There’s the excessive need I am feeling to check the rsvps. The worry that friends i havent seen in years are going to come and look at me and think I don’t look sick. Because the reality is I don’t look sick. When I think cancer I think losing hair, losing weight, yea I’ve lost weight but this is probably still considered overweight for my height. I never lost my hair. I hear all the time I good I look-but honestly I don’t feel good. My neck has started to hurt. My lower back is hurting again. I’m tired, I’m fatigued, I am exhausted. I can’t walk out to my car or into work. I would have thought I’d have regained my strength back but I haven’t. So I’m still using the wheelchair to get into and out of work. Or even to the car. When I hear people tell me I look good it honestly makes me sad. It makes me question if this is all in my head. It makes me wonder if people don’t believe me. This is something I am working on. I shouldn’t care what people think but I do. And with the party coming up I worry. I worry which leads to anxiety. I worry if this was such a good idea. I know I will be happy too see everyone but leading up to it I still worry.
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