Baelor turns 8 in a little over a month. We’ve been talking about his party and how he wants to celebrate. This birthday is hitting me hard. My prognosis Isn’t good. There’s no two ways about it. LMD isn’t on anyone’s cancer bingo cards. When I found out my mutation for lung cancer my oncologist told me it was good news-egfr was treatable. There was no this is good news when I got the LMD diagnosis. No joking about it-it was all seriousness.
I’ve always realized the severity of my diagnosis. But I didn’t realize the finality of it until i started planning an 8th birthday. You see Baelors birthday is in September. Which marks the start of so many things…the start of the school year, the start of the holidays, the start of hustle and bustle. Baelors birthday was the day my migraine started. The day I knew something wasn’t right but pushed it aside because I’m a mom and didn’t have time to deal with a chronic migraine. But it also marks 6 months since I had the conversation with Dr Piper. At some point the clock has started ticking. It marks the beginning of the end. It means it’s the last time I’ll plan an 8th birthday. It means the last time I’ll do back to school shopping for my boys, my last birthday, my last Christmas. Will I know?
Ive always wondered do I want to know if it’s my last? Will it change anything I do? I don’t think it would. I don’t know if I would do anything different. I do know I hug the boys a little tighter every night knowing that I don’t know if it will be my last.
Today was a hard day. I don’t know if this will be my last kid birthday party I plan. I don’t know if I’ll make it to plan Trent’s birthday. But I know the boys will be okay. I know right now I’m not scared of dying. I’m scared of the not having control. I’m scared of the unknown for my boys. I’m scared of the missing out of things.
But I’m at peace with my diagnosis. I know that one day soon it will be my last good day. I know that at some point it will be the last kid birthday party I plan. It might be in september it might be in February. I do know that I am preparing that September will be my last. But hoping to plan one more for Trent. I’m preparing for this to be my last Halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas. Because I don’t know when it really eill be my last.
There are a lot of things I am struggling with. I love going to the sunflower fields with the boys. But it’s a long walk. I know I won’t be able to do it. Bryan has offered to push the wheelchair. Trick or treating we go as a family with friends. I know I won’t be able to walk it. Do we let the kids go on their own? Do I send Bryan and I’ll sit home passing out candy? Do I have Bryan push me? My walk in November. Another long walk. Pushing a wheelchair isn’t easy. Sitting in a wheelchair when you have been independent isn’t easy. A part of me wants to run and hide when it comes to these things. I don’t want to be dependent on a wheelchair so it’s easier not to do them. It’s easier to say let’s skip the sunflowers this year. The kids are getting older they don’t want to do it. It’s expensive I’ll be in a wheelchair it’s a pain. But it brings me joy. It makes me smile . And what am I teaching the kids if I run and hide.
Today I will embrace planning an 8th birthday party. It will be my last 8th birthday I plan but I am hopeful it won’t be my last kid party I plan.
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