Lately

 Lately my mental health hasn’t been good.  Normally I can muddle through the time change and dark nights earlier.  But this year it’s been harder.  My whole routine is off.  I can’t kick the feeling of what is going on.  The feeling of disappointment, failing, worry.  The feeling that I am letting everyone down.  The feeling that I am done fighting.  

You see part of the problem is I take 2 steps forward then 5 steps back.  I stopped working our household income decreased.  I applied for public benefits. We were denied public benefits-we make too much, your income is too high, you’re not disabled enough, you haven't worked enough to receive benefits.  It’s discouraging, it’s nerve wracking, it’s frustratings.  Because if you know me you know I don’t ask for help easily.   I’m the helper not the one that accepts help.  I’m the one that gives it.  But here I am asking for help and here I am being told there is not available For us.   If we made less it would be there-of course it would be how do people survive on less.  

Today I had my scan.  My sores were to painful.  I couldn’t lay my head on the table.  I couldn’t handle the headphones over the top of my head.  The cage sent me through the roof.  The cage is what sent the tears. The uncontrollable sobbing, the urge to swear and scream.  

So here I am heading home from Burlington after wasting everyone’s afternoon.  Failing because I couldn’t handle the pain,