Scans

 The word scanxiety is such a powerful word. You don't think that they affect you-until after and you realize how unreasonable my behavior has been. The tears have been flowing easily, I have been more irrational then normal.  My anxiety has been sky high.  Today I hit my limit.  I couldn't hold it in anymore.  I tried to be strong as long as I could.  My sister came down and I called my psychiatrist.  I called my dermotologist to talk about coming off the Accutane (it has been known to cause mental health issues).  

This is the real life of living with cancer.  The real life is anxiety through the roof, never knowing what one day to the next is going to bring.  Its not knowing if this is going to be my last Christmas.  Or really my last of anything.  

The things that my family has been through makes me sad.  It makes me sad that my boys are watching me suffer.  That my sisters and my mom and bryan have picked up the slack for me.  I dont always understand a lot about cancer.  I try to understand it. But the reality is I don’t think I ever will.  I’ll never understand why bad things happen to good people.  I’ll never understand why I can feel great one day and the next like garbage.  I’ll never understand when people tell me I’m only given as much as I can handle…when is it too much?  When can I say enough is enough?  

It’s been a tough week of calls, follow ups,worry (the holidays are coming-I worry about the kids and making sure they have a Christmas to remember.).  I know that it’s not the material things. Bc honestly they probably won’t remember.  But I still want to make it magical for them.  So next week I’ll start putting together a list of memories for our family.  Things that we can do that dont cost money-driving and looking at lights, Christmas movies, baking, crafts.  I’ll remember that Christmas will be magical. 

These are the things I need to remind myself of when I start spiraling. The support that we have is incredible And everything will be okay.   

On a positive note I got my results back.  No significant change-stable. 

Two more scans go in the next month-fingers crossed the brain and lumbar come out the same!