2:30 am and I am wide awake filled with worry.
There isn’t anything I can do about the worry. I try and tell my mind that but it still fills with worry.
So here’s what I’m worrying about. Maybe writing it down will help.
Money (i always worry about money) since I’m not working this is bigger than it was before.
My treatment tomorrow. Am I going to have a reaction-what happens if it comes in the middle of the night? What happens if it doesn’t work? What happens if I can’t handle the side effects. What are the side effects I’ll have? How soon will my hair fall out? How soon will the side effects hit?
Lung cancer. Why did I get it? Why didn’t I catch it sooner? Before it became incurable? What did I do to get it?
My boys ( all three of them). Are they going to be okay this year? When something happens to me how are they going to be?
Being so negative. How can I be more positive? How can I not be angry at the world? It’s not the world’s fault I got lung cancer? Why do people want to be friends with me if I am so negative? Every conversation I have I feel like I am negative. Even this blog I feel is so negative and I don’t know why people even read it…but I’m thankful so many do!
Chores. I have a list I need to do today. I should get up and do them now but I’m bone tired and want to sleep but I can’t.
Bone pain. Why are my ankles killing me recently? They hurt so much it makes walking hurt it makes everything hurt. It’s like growing pains but I’m 44 years old why would I have growing pains? Is there something growing? Why haven’t I gotten my xray results back? Although now it’s my right ankle that is bothering me more.
My back is killing. I know why it is. I know it’s the cancer. I saw it on the mri with Dr Burke. It’s not bright but it’s on my spinal cord. It’s on the nerve endings.
I want to cry-but I don’t want to worry Bryan. I want to lay in bed all day but I know that’s not healthy. I know I need to get up. I’m thankful I have a coffee date with a friend today because that will force me to get out of bed.
My friend-she isn’t doing well. I am scared for her. I am worried that this horrible disease is going to take away a person I love. I am selfishly not ready for her fight to be over. It has brought up a lot of feelings this weekend. Congentively she is there-but her body is failing her. She knows what is happening and I can’t even imagine. I’ve cried a lot of tears this weekend as her husband has updated-but I am amazed at the support the lung cancer community has shown for her.
Thats all I got this morning. I’m going to start reading my book in hopes I’ll fall asleep before the alarm goes off in three hours.
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